When Barren is Beautiful

Thank you for this thorn embedded in my flesh;
I can feel the mystery, my spirit is made fresh.
You are sovereign still and forever wise;
I can see the miracle opening my eyes

To a proud heart so quick to judge
Laying down crosses and carrying grudges.
The veil has been torn -
And I thank you for this thorn

Thank you for this thorn, fellowship of pain
Teaching me to know you more, never to complain
Thank You for this love planted in my side,
Faithful patient miracle opening my eyes.

I never thought I'd say it without reservation,
But I am truly grateful for this piercing revelation
Of a proud heart so quick to judge,
Laying down crosses and carrying grudges -
The veil has been torn,
And I thank you for this thorn

And if You chose to take it, I will praise You
And thank You for the healing in Your name.
But if it must remain, I thank You for Your rod
Evidence of Father-love for a child of God.

I join You in the sorrow,
So much less than You have borne,
And I thank you, really I thank You...
Lord I thank You; I thank You for this thorn

- Twila Paris, This Thorn

I hever saw myself posting this song, or even echoing it from my heart until today when I found myself humming it, voicing it, singing it during a diaper change.

Yesterday's words were for me. I meant only to give voice to myself and my struggle, meant only to shovel out some of my personal winter to make room for some spring.

Today, writing from here, I am nearly wordless at the depth of the response. I look at your words poured out in yesterday's comment box, filling my email inbox - words of encouragement, affirmation, identification. Words and prayers and Scripture and hope to refresh me, to make me feel young again, to let me know that there is still life to be had, to reach for my heart with yours and wrap it up and send it heavenward.

I have said thank-you so often lately, I can't help but respond with grateful all over the place. I am still with amazement today.

Today has been a slow day, a quiet day, a sunny day with March winds in January bearing growing excitement for us. It has been a day for making room, for choosing trust, for having and holding and trying again.

His mercies are new every morning, I learned in my first round of depression, when every night I fell into bed feeling I'd failed, knowing I'd handed in my miracles. They are still new, every morning.

This is what His faithfulness is.

I can't begin to describe it for you. It is simply something I know.

Last time I walked this path, I wanted what I wanted - the assurance that I would not lose, the end of my pain for crying out loud. God Himself was not reward enough for me. I was alone because I chose my isolation from His grace.

I am not alone this time. I could not have written what I wrote without the new knowledge I have of His love for me.

When I wrote yesterday, I could not thank Him for this, but today I step gingerly into praise. I learned last time not to feel guilty for the good days.

Worship aches out in breath today, in not-so-studied bed-making and hair-doing and nursing and diaper-changing and in writing and in cooking, which I have done.

There are not words adequate for this grateful, for this sense that God cares - He really does.

I look outside, absorb the sun and the blue and the trees and the glory of the morning traveling into noon and into early evening. The smile comes deep, peace that barely curves my lips, peace that lightens my eyes.

He has borne my burdens; you have borne them with Him. He has enriched my soul; He has used your words to do it. He has given me a good day; He has given me Himself.

Should it stun me that I am not wasted after four days in the dark? Should I be so amazed that I am not destroyed?

I am.

And I am, quite frankly, humbled. It as if I am seeing the world through different eyes today. I keep blinking, trying to make sense of it all, trying to figure out what to do with this "enfolded" feeling, with this "surrounded" feeling - this safe that isn't even a feeling so much as it is a faith.

I don't understand why I should feel beautiful like this. Why I should feel cherished like this. Comforted like this. Quieted like this.

Who am I to deserve such treatment?

Slowly, I learn now to pray.

------------------------


This post also linked at Holy Experience for Walk With Him Wednesday.





(Image © Informal Moments Photography)

Diet Change: Help Wanted

No, we didn't make it to the beach this weekend. I am scrounging through my archives for photos lately. I apologize for this. I so want to reveal the new I am seeing, capturing, living. I have a couple hundred new ones awaiting processing, awaiting the arrival of my new computer, awaiting the software I need. I want it for you. I want it for our families. I want it for me - I take the picture because I forget.

Still, this is the same light we saw tonight on our organic co op run. The light that was streaming through bare trees onto standing water left over from last night's rain, glory reflected in pools of sky-tears.

Breathe in, breathe out. This is what the light helps me do. We had spring today - sixties and open windows. It was amazing. I love that spring comes in January here.

But I'm getting a little sidetracked. At the beginning of my post. Go figure.

...

I have been attempting to formulate a diet plan for us that began as simple meal and menu ideas to help with grocery trips and snowballed on Tuesday with our discovery that I have gallstones and must eat better for my gallbladder.

I need to cut sugar and dairy and refined flour from my diet. I have some old allergens resurfacing with the lack of sleep that contributes to my body's post-pregnancy breakdown. It is my goal to attempt to put off surgery for my gallbladder until Bredon is weaned, since I'm not sure what pumping to avoid his getting my anesthesia would do to this baby/mommy bond.

I have a few recipes left over from my old no-sugar-dairy-corn-lemon-onion diet, but with all of the changes coming at me with a new baby in the house (and the need to retry this without potatoes because of Pete's death-allergy), I'm coming up a little short on fresh ideas.

So I have a request to make:

Would you be willing to share a link to fresh, healthy, family-friendly (delicious would be good too!) recipes that are low-fat (to be gallbladder friendly) and use no sugar or dairy?

If you have a link, please leave it in my comment box or email me. I would so appreciate your ideas. After nine months of not being able to think about food, I was so hoping to help out by planning for us in this area.

...

"Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." (1 Cor. 10:31)

There is a post coming on this soon. At least, I hope there is. I have a lot of thoughts chasing around in my brain, and when I sit down, I'm too tired to figure out what goes where. So you get my mish-mash in poetic prose.

Thanks for "listening."

...

Oh and yes, I know. What does the light on the water at the sea have to do with food?

Not much.

*happy sigh*

It's just so preeeetty, isn't it?






(Image © Informal Moments Photography)

Fogged

One eye running, my nose won't stop, and my head is floating about five feet off my shoulders - I just know it. I am barely registering pregnant through the fog. Never thought of this as a tactic to foster patience. I seriously don't want Button to come until we're done with this.

And yes, I know I needed something profound to go with this photo. So sorry. Maybe by Wednesday, I'll have my brain back?





(Image © Informal Moments Photography)

why i use GNLD

I had heard some of Liz's story, but wow. This video absolutely floored me. I was in a wheelchair and going downhill fast with my own Lyme disease when I started using GNLD, but I had not experienced anything Liz experienced before using GNLD.

Check it out. Seriously. Her story is amazing.

And if you don't have Lyme and you're just curious about how GNLD helps general health, there are a bunch of other video stories about GNLD on this site, The Pudding.

There. I put in two cents today between food and couch. Yay! Real post coming at some point soon, I promise! The computer makes me woozy right now!

RELATED POSTS:

A Sales Pitch for Help
GNLD - Liz's Story
GNLD - Marjorie's Story
GNLD - A Brief Update
Happy Remedies
GNLD - Peanut Perks

Grasp

Shutter Sisters had a good idea today. Today is one of those days when the depression is very present. I don't have anything to be depressed about, but it is here nonetheless, joining forces with the herxheimer exhaustion, fogging my too-tired imagination.

I feel like I'm reaching today, grasping at energy, at ideas, at focus, hoping to stumble across something tangible. I left a comment this morning for someone who miscarried; I reminded her that God was reaching for her, longing to hold her close, to let her know He is aching with her.

Why do I feel that I can't accept His embrace today, sitting here in my normally aching body and too-often depressed mood? I feel I don't deserve His understanding. I am used to it, after all. I go back to my work, editing a few more photos from my October wedding.

I played the piano today, and then I didn't play. I always forget how much life there is, how much ache, how much beauty in music. He gave it to me; I forget how it always touches Him.

I reach for His hand with my heart and hope in what I know of His love, the "you're not perfect, but I AM always here" love of His.

(Click on the photo to see my hands series in Flickr.)

GNLD - Liz's Story

This week, I want to share Liz's story of how GNLD has helped her in her 16-year battle with lyme disease.

Here is her story:

Liz Moore's Lyme Disease Story

In the summer of 1992 I was suffering with, facial paralysis, knee pain and unrelenting fatigue. The only doctor that was able to correctly diagnose my problem was an AIDS specialist in Pennsylvania. That was how mysterious this disease was. He determined it was Lyme Disease by testing for what it wasn't, like rheumatoid arthritis and Lupus. At the time the Western Blot was very unreliable and Doctor’s had no idea how to interpret the test results. He tested me for Syphilis because the syphilis test picks up all spirochete bacteria.

He put me on 2400 Mg of Suprax a day for three months. By December I was symptom free, he removed me from the medication and told me I was cured.

Over the next 12 years I suffered with, Epstein Barr Virus, Chronic fatigue Syndrome, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, environmental and food allergies, and I tested positive 4 times for Lupus only to have it rescinded by a specialist every time. I just never felt right, there were times over the years that I would feel pretty good, then for whatever reason I would completely crash and be sick for months going to specialist after specialist for answers.

By the fall of 2004 my three girls and myself were under the care of Dr. Emilia Eiras a lyme Doctor in Central New Jersey, and Diane King, a specialist in Computerized bio feedback. Dr. Eiras’s care and treatment plan saved our lives. For an entire year I was on various combinations of antibiotics sometimes 2 at a time and malaria medication to kill the babesia Microti (protozoan parasite), as well as a combination of nutritional and herbal therapies. She also told me I was to eat no sugar, wheat, dairy and all of my food should be organic. I followed every guideline she placed before me to the letter.

Since 2004, I have relapsed twice, was diagnosed with a severe systemic candida infection that had invaded my lungs, my specialist told me I was lucky it hadn’t gone to my brain. I was hospitalized and almost died of blood poisoning. During this time my lymphocyte markers continued to decline, as well as my white blood cell count indicating that my immune system was being handcuffed by the Lyme Disease, thus leaving me open to even more serious disease and infection.

By the summer of 2007 I was again in bed and completely exhausted. My doctor confirmed I had relapsed again, we both agreed that another round of antibiotics would further compromise my immune system. She gave me an option of an alternative therapy that was developed by a German doctor, or do nothing and see if my body can rally and fight it off. My husband and I prayed about it and decided to see what my body could do. Through the fall I limped along having some good days but they were clearly outnumbered by the bad ones. I had been consistently taking handfuls of supplements for 4 years by a company called ** Marketing. I started to do research on supplements and came across information that caused me to take a hard look at the current company I was buying from. I learned that this company was a marketing company, that had their vitamins manufactured FOR them. The ingredients contained some synthetic isolates, and they had no clinical data on their products. I started to wonder if in fact these vitamins were causing me more harm than good?? So I stopped taking them and felt no worse. Someone suggested ** Process supplements, that was whole food, and cold processed, I took them for 8 weeks and felt no better. At this point I had absolutely no energy to even consider researching another supplement company.

As the months rolled along and I was limping along in my health, I started to wonder if in fact I was going to die of Lyme disease.

At the end of January 2008, I was at ________ College with my oldest daughter at a an activity, and as I was standing in the lunch line I overheard a woman talking about nutrition and supplements, my ears perked up and I asked if I could listen in. Her name was Susan Adams and she was a distributor of GNLD Nutritionals. I asked her if in fact GNLD manufactured their own products (yes), were they whole food (yes), any synthetic isolates (no), was there any scientific clinical data to support their claims (yes)!!

I asked for information, my husband and I researched the company, he took a hard look at the science (he is an agronomist) and I looked at the ingredients. We both came to the conclusion that I should try the Nutritionals. I started them on February 8th 2008, 5 weeks later we went to vacation at our house in Vermont to ski, I had not really skied this winter because after 2 runs I was utterly exhausted and had to go back to the house and rest. However, after being on the nutritionals for a month, I was skiing 5 hours a day in 14 inches of new snow through the trees and over bumps with my family!! We were amazed at the difference and the kids kept asking me “Mom, do you want to rest?”

I have been taking GNLD since February 8th and as of this day the 20th of August one of my Lymphocyte markers has increased 200%, the other 150% and my WBC has increased 100%. All of my blood numbers are in the normal range. I now have terrific energy, I sleep all night, and I am up in the morning tending to my family. I truly have my life back.

The following is a list of the GNLD Nutritionals I have taken daily to date:

1 Active 40
5 Tre en en
2 Acidopholus
9 Carotenoid Complex
9 Flavonoid
6 Cruciferous
4 Liver Plus C
4 Super B Complex
3 Vitamin C
4 Vitamin E
3 Beta Gard
1 Chelated Iron
1 Chelated Zinc
4 Chelated Cal/Mag with D
1 Enzyme Digestive Aid-Before meals
1 Beta Gest – Before Meals
4 Chelated Cal/Mag-Before bedtime for sleep
5 Garlic Allium Complex-Before bedtime for sleep
3 Multi Min with Chelates
6 Salmon Oil Plus

This seems like an exhaustive list, but without it I could not have healed so completely and quickly. I have been taking these levels since February 8th it is now August 20th. I will continue with this level until my blood levels remain stable for 6 months. Then I will reduce the amounts to the recommended amount.

Was it expensive, yes, it was but we made a short term commitment for my long term health.

For the last week and a half, I have been following a very similar program to Liz's daily dosages, and within two days of beginning these dosages, I felt my immune system activating. My glands were actually swollen. I was actually running a fever. This may not sound like a good thing, but when your body doesn't fight at all, it's even worse.

Yesterday, after overdoing it on Election Day, the herxheimer hit, and I spent most of the day on the couch with mild convulsions. Ick, ick, ick.

Please pray that we will find some help with Piper, and that God will ease the stress for us. Getting sicker to get better is just obnoxious.

GNLD - Marjorie's Story

I think it is my "bi" week on my bi-weekly promise to post about GNLD. This week, I want to share a story from someone who has been immeasurably helped by GNLD.

When I was pregnant with Piper, I stopped taking GNLD during my first trimester in favor of a prenatal vitamin my naturopath wanted me to take. The prenatal actually over-dosed me on iron - the things that made me want to be sick during that very long 15 weeks were leafy green vegetables and anything with iron in it. A couple of weeks before the end of my first trimester, I quit my prenatal and began taking GNLD again. The nausea went away and I found myself with more energy and a much better outlook on life. I had a very healthy pregnancy and an easy, uncomplicated delivery after six years of health problems. I felt so good!

The story I want to share today is the story of Marjorie Clark, a woman who has no spleen, one kidney, and ten children. Her story encouraged me through my pregnancy that I was doing the right thing for my body and my baby in taking GNLD. The GNLD protocol I am following for my Lyme is patterned after the Lyme program she designed for Liz - what Marjorie calls her cancer regimen.

Here is Marjorie's story.
_______________________________

Against All Odds, by Marjorie Clark

From ABOVE RUBIES, September 2000, No. 53 (edited)

As a young teen of 15, I found myself in a sledding accident, losing my spleen and one of my kidneys. Statistically I was told that 70% of the people in accidents like mine die immediately and the other 30% die on the way to the hospital. I was a miracle!

Upon graduation from Auburn University, with a double major in Education and French, I felt the Lord’s leading to humbly be a secretary. The Lord kept assuring my heart He would use my position. Little did I know that the very skills I was acquiring would be needed to help run the home business of my future husband. This would support all the children God would give us.

Upon graduation I lived with my mother in Atlanta and started attending a Baptist church. There I met Lawrence at a Bible study he was teaching and we were engaged in February, 1978.

During our engagement we met with a doctor who specialized in internal medicine. He cautioned us that it was seriously important I never get a kidney or bladder infection, to protect my remaining kidey. The doctor talked with Lawrence about the importance of him helping take care of my health. Lawrence came away from that meeting deeply committed to protecting my health. Three weeks after we were married I became pregnant with our first child.

Sometime during or after the second pregnancy, approximately two years later, I committed to not only trusting the Lord to have children; but also committed to being cheerful in having children. During my first two pregnancies I had looked to the medical establishment for understanding about my missing organs and all I found were conflicting thoughts. If they really were unnecessary why had God put a spleen there, or two kidneys, or any other organ? Why did I feel so sick when I ate nutrition-deprived foods? Why did I seem weaker than other healthy people? When a three-day cold went around, why did it last with me for weeks? Why was I so anemic in pregnancies? After delivery of a baby, why was I so weak with recovery and bleeding for weeks longer than my friends? Thankfully, I had a supportive husband who cared about all these issues.

As medical science caught up with reality, we found doctors with the latest info concerning the spleen. They recommended patients be put on antibiotics for the rest of their lives. Some doctor recommended women to have their tubes tied since their bodies are already facing extra stress with this missing organ.

From the first pregnancy I was extremely tired, and the fight with anemia was ongoing. Each pregnancy increased our commitment to nutritional pursuits. At the height of my physical problems we were gardening organically, raising chickens and goats and daily grinding our flour for fresh homemade bread. God helped us to give up the nutritionally empty foods we enjoyed, and replace them with foods that would best help my health, and this greatly helped me. Praise the Lord for a husband willing to sacrifice his desires to care about his wife. He grew up on junk food and disliked fruits and vegetables, so I know it wasn’t always easy for him.

After the first two were born in hospitals, we started having home births. This reduced the risk of outside bacterial infections.

Babies five, six and seven were the most difficult. During a miscarriage between babies four and five, my one kidney became painful and seemed to weaken. To compound the situation, I became pregnant with Luke, six weeks after the miscarriage. I had to rest most of the time to reduce the all too familiar cramping symptom of miscarriage. Becoming pregnant so soon after a miscarriage with a large blood loss was very difficult and draining. But the end result was worth it - Luke, baby number five.

My health declined more. Babies six and seven were similar to the difficulties of the fifth pregnancy. I experienced another miscarriage between baby six and seven. This showed me how susceptible I was to miscarriage even thought I had gone to great effort to take care of myself.

As my health declined with the birth of additional children, my older children had to learn to pitch in and help at an earlier age. I noticed they developed skills and abilities beyond what I would have probably helped them do if my health had been fine. It also helped streamline our home. I had to think about things most people didn’t. I had to get rid of unnecessary trinkets to reduce cleaning time. I had to evaluate and time the chores to conserve energy. Not only did my health affect the way our house was run, but also it dramatically affected the food that came in our home. God used my situation to give our family better health and work habits.

Finally, the test of all those years was to be eased. Two weeks after the birth of our seventh child we had a family over that had started the biggest organic food coop in the world. During our talk we were surprised to find out they believed that even people who eat healthy organic food need to take supplements if they want the best long-term health possible. They told us we were right in theory; we should be able to get everything we need nutritionally out of our food, but we had to live in the reality of real life facts.

They mentioned a government study on over 21,000 people evaluating how many received the minimal RDA in only 10 basic nutrients. How many do you think received that minimal nutrition out of those many thousands of people tested by the government? None! I was floored. They agreed that there were a lot of rip/offs in the supplement industry. However, they gave a little history of a 45-year-old company that had the top scientists in the world developing and manufacturing the best products available. They convinced Lawrence enough to do more research, and he discovered this company had impeccable research behind the products. One of the company’s products had been tested by the USDA in humans and it raised their immune system 37% in just 20 days.

After he was convinced, I took the products and within a few days I noticed that my wipeout days were gone. My struggling days ended as I faithfully took my supplements. I also slept better because of the far superior calcium I was now taking. Best of all, to our surprise, after a few months my weak kidney strengthened.

Eight months later Priscilla was conceived (baby number eight). This pregnancy was totally different. I felt good. No excessive weariness. My immune system felt strong. I could skip some naps, stay up later at night, and was even able to take the stress of traveling. Babies nine and ten were just like Priscilla. My last three pregnancies and labor/deliveries have been better and healthier than the first seven! People who have known us for years have seen the difference and rejoice with us. The midwife who delivered our eight children born at home was so impressed that she started her whole family on these supplements.

We enjoy having children of all ages; from seeing our youngest learn to talk to having deep conversations with our oldest children who are 20 and 19. Lawrence tells people, “I would not trade one of my children for all the money in the world, and so you can see with ten children I am very rich.”

As usual, if you have any questions or you are interested in finding out more about GNLD, you can go to the GNLD website or you can email me.

GNLD - A Brief Update

I promised a bi-weekly post about GNLD. This one won't require much research, thankfully.

After my first post two weeks ago, I raised my salmon oil dose from five to ten per day, and I began taking two of the Super B, instead of the one I had been taking. Within two days, there was a marked difference. I had energy in the evening. I was helping with supper instead of sitting listlessly on the couch waiting for Pete to do it. The depression and brain fog lifted, and I was more cheerful. My short tether stretched farther.

With the instant improvement I experienced, I'm really excited about trying more.

If anyone is interested, my new order and levels will look like this:

1 – Active 40+
5 – Tre-en-en
9 – Carotenoid Complex
9 – Flavonoid Complex
6 – Cruciferous Complex
4 – Liver plus C
4 – Super B Complex
4 – Vitamin E Plus (200 caps)
3 - Betagard
1 – Chelated Iron
1 – Chelated Zinc
3 – Enersine
4 – Chelated Cal-Mag with D
4-10 – Garlic Allium Complex
3 – Multi Min with Chelates
10 – Salmon Oil Plus
1 – EZ Shake (Van.)
3 – Super C Threshold

Eeek. I just added that up. That's 75 pills per day.

In taking this now, I realize that my levels will probably change as I recover. I should only need these elevated levels during times of stress to give my immune system the support it needs to handle the lyme.

I'll plan to post periodic progress updates.

If you are interested in using GNLD, please contact me for more information, or spend some time browsing the GNLD website.

A Sales Pitch for Help

The time has come for us to do something about my Lyme disease. In a God-timed conversation yesterday morning, I discovered that the supplements I am already taking through GNLD International can actually effect the defeat of the lyme.

Wow. That was an awkward sentence. Oh well. My blog.

I have usually avoided posting about my health on here, because I prefer to keep my blog for cool blog type stuff like... recipes and pictures. My blog has morphed so much over the last couple of years, though, that I think it is time to begin including some information about my health. I'll be up front, though, I have a reason for posting this. I need to make a sales pitch.

The call I got yesterday was from a woman who has had Lyme disease since 1992. I suspect I got mine earlier than this, possibly as long as 20 years ago. This is why I am a 26-year old woman who feels like she is 90 most days.

In 2001, I began collapsing for no apparent reason. The doctors I saw told me I was just a college student who wasn't taking care of herself, and I finally stopped trying to figure out what was going on. Two summers later, I began losing my eyesight. My optometrist referred me to a specialist who took one look at my test results and ordered an MRI. I had lesions (scleroses) all over my brain, and down my spine. I was diagnosed without a spinal tap with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). With a diagnosis, I was free to pursue treatment, but the treatment offered to me was a steroidal suppression of the immune system. I could gain no peace about the treatment, so I refused it, deciding to take my chances in the wheelchair, which I used off and on for the next two years.

God used my research to further my understanding of the purpose of the immune system in the body, to fight and keep out disease, and to ensure health. I began to see that the Holy Spirit is that "immune system" in God's body, the church, and I realized how devastating it would be to the church to quench the Holy Spirit in the way that the doctors had wanted me to use the steroids to suppress my immune system.

I began to research ways to restore my immune system so that it was functioning the way it was meant to function. I tried one line of supplements that helped a bit, but not enough. The doctor I was seeing at the time diagnosed me with Lyme disease and suggested I begin treatment. I did, and what I now know was the Herxheimer reaction (the it-gets-worse-before-it-gets-better syndrome) put me in the hospital. After my stint in the hospital, I descended into convulsions. My body went crazy. Almost every evening, I would convulse for hours. I would go home from work early because I collapsed. Nothing we tried helped.

Finally, at the end of that summer, I switched to GNLD. I didn't have the money to do too much, but within two months of beginning the supplements, I was out of the wheelchair, and within four, I was no longer using my cane.

In 2006, I actually felt healthy again. I was working full time, enjoying our first year of marriage, and feeling good for the first time in years. We got pregnant that October, and my naturopath told me I should swap the GNLD out for a prenatal vitamin that overdosed me on iron and made my first trimester rather difficult. Toward the end of my first trimester, I went back on GNLD and experienced an instant improvement. I took the following products through the rest of my very healthy pregnancy and delivered a very healthy baby.

*Salmon Oil Plus
*Tre-en-en
*Super-B Threshold control
*Chelated Cal-Mag
*Chelated Iron
*Active 40 Plus
*Daily Carotenoid Complex
*GR2 Control Protein Shake

The lack of sleep took its toll on my body, however, and the lyme progressed, overwhelming my pituitary gland and plunging me into depression like I have never known. I raised my dose of Salmon Oil Plus to five per day, which brought things to a more manageable level, but we still thought that we were going to have to wean Piper and hit the lyme with something drastic.

Until yesterday, when Liz called. She exclusivly used GNLD products to treat her lyme disease, and after 16 years of disease and numerous treatments that didn't work, she found herself skiing and feeling healthy after five weeks on GNLD. Her lymphocytes, which had been at dangerous levels, rose over 200% in six months. She's a 42-year-old woman who feels 25 again.

Today I am raising the Salmon Oil Plus to ten and increasing my Super-B to try to combat the depression a bit more. I am also taking a very strong Garlic Allium Complex, the anti-viral/anti-bacterial defense I used before I was pregnant to assist in knocking out the lyme.

The basic idea behind using GNLD to treat the lyme disease is to strengthen my body to fight the bacteria itself. I have been using enough of the GNLD to maintain functionality, but I didn't know that I could take enough of it to actually boost my immune system and kick the disease that is eating away at me from the inside and taking me over with brain fog, mood swings, nervous system crashes, weakness, allergies, and fatigue.

After talking with Liz yesterday, and knowing what I know of the product and how it really works (for everyone - you should read the stories!), I know that this is the treatment I've been wanting. Instead of introducing more toxins and breaking my body down even more for a temporary fix that won't kill the lyme, I think this will fortify my immune system to win this war.

This means, however, that we're going to be putting out more than double the already-$500 per month we've budgeted for my health, and we don't know where that money will come from. This has finally clinched the decision for me to try and sell the product.

Many of you know me and have asked how you can help me in the past. I've never come up with anything, because everything seems too overwhelming to ask someone for. But I have an idea.

Each product someone else buys from me or under me (I can sign you up as a distributor so you can buy your own) counts as points for me. If I reach a certain number of points, I get a certain percentage of money back from the company. I know people who have built entire businesses with this system, but my goal is simply to cover the cost of my own supplements.

Do you regularly use a multivitamin, a B vitamin, acidophilus, calcium-magnesium supplement, or vitamin C? Are you interested in a meal replacement protein shake to help with weight loss? Have you been wanting to use fish oil or vitamin E to support your health? Would you be willing to buy it through me or under me so that I can gain enough points to cover the cost of my own supplements?

These products are the best out there - I know. I tried everything. My naturopath said that the Salmon Oil Plus was the best salmon oil he'd ever seen. Liz's doctor called her recently to tell her to send her whatever it was she was taking, because after seeing Liz's progress, she wanted to give it to her other patients. I have read account after account of people who have been drastically helped by GNLD. Every product I have used from GNLD has made a good difference for me. Please take some time to browse the products section of the website. If you see something there that you already use or would be interested in using, please feel free to email me and ask me about it. We can talk about getting you set up as a distributor, or I can even just contact you to order what you need as you need it.

Okay, that's the best I can do at sales pitching today. The basic jist is, I need your help. If GNLD can help you and you want to help me, it would be so awesome. I just can't live like this anymore.

It is my plan to do a bi-weekly post here to update on my health and share stories from GNLD users.

I now return you to my not-so-regularly-scheduled blog.

Brain Fog

Every day, I think about a blog post. Sometimes I have something deep to write, sometimes, I produce inanity. But at least I'm writing at these times.

Sometimes (read: in the last five days), I can't think of anything at all to write. Or to say. The only thing that registers with me at all is pretty pictures and vibrant colors. Things that let me feel. (This is annoying and somewhat embarrassing in light of the fact that I recently took an IQ test that clocked me at 149. *rolls eyes*)

I feel like I wasted most of the day yesterday trying to create something pretty in Photoshop for my website idea. I was trying to connect with something. I didn't come up with anything I could use, I don't think, but for the sake of a post, I figured I could upload a couple of samples here.

Delphium


Stonemeadow Roses


Camera Gal

I'm not really happy with any of these, which is why I feel I wasted my time. Still, it gives me something to work on while my brain refuses to function.

"I'm married to an artist," my "doer" husband told me last night with a bit of chagrin. "You need to create before you can do."

Keeping My Candle Lit

I think that the Sauer home is about to undergo some significant change.

I have hit a brick wall when it comes to my photo-editing. With my come-and-go brain fog, the encroaching depression, and Piper's constant needs and demands, my productivity has been registering pretty near zero for the last couple of months. This means that the house has been a disaster, I feel like I've been robbed of my first year with my baby, and my poor clients are still waiting to see the majority of their photos.

Every time I boot up the computer, I am overwhelmed with the pressure of what I haven't finished. Every morning, I get up determining that I will get something done. After I get our breakfast, I try to get Piper to play so that I can sit down at my computer. She rarely plays more than ten minutes at a stretch, and soon, she is climbing my knee, reaching for my computer mouse, and clamoring for my attention. By the time I succeed in distracting her again, I can't even remember what I sat down to do. I spend my days fighting her off and getting absolutely nothing done. By evening, I don't even want to see my husband, I'm so emotionally drained. If I'm lucky, I've gotten my email inbox cleaned out, and if I'm really productive, I've managed to edit about ten photos, get a blog post up, and get the bed made.

The stress has been killing me.

When I came home from work, I planned to approach the photo-processing so that I would get evenings and weekends free, like normal people who work full-time jobs. This is obviously not working. (Okay, so I'm stubborn. I tried longer than most people would to keep up this non-routine.) I didn't realize that when you work from home, the work is always there, always calling, always weighing you down unless you can take control of it.

So I'm going to attempt something new.

During the day, I'm going to spend quality time with my too-fast-growing daughter. As I can, I will do the housework that Pete has been doing when he is home to try to give me space during the day to work. I'm going to bake, rest, write, and use what free alone time I get to do things that make me come alive. I will try to have dinner ready for my husband when he comes home.

Then in the evenings, I will try editing as part of my wind-down-for-bed routine. I'm going to change my atmosphere a bit and play soft music and drink tea and share them with Pete as I go. Pete and Piper will have some quality time together, and I will be able to look forward to enjoying my work, instead of ramming my way through it. If I can get through 50 photos per evening (and if I get a little help from someone wonderful who has offered to edit!), my clients should start seeing their photos by the end of July.

I haven't even been photographing Piper because of the weight of my unfulfilled responsibility to my clients. My photography is a gift, and it requires more emotional, creative energy than I've been able to muster in recent months. I am hoping that this method will not only ease the constant frustration and crushing sense of failure I've been facing, but also give us a chance at a more well-run household.

I've had to change lifestyles before. It just hadn't occurred to me that I could now!

I've got to stop living by guilt. It's a crappy motivator, and it sucks the life out of me.

I love that God doesn't spend time beating me over the head to "do do do" in order to fix my situation or be a better Christian. Instead, He refreshes me and offers encouragement for my heart that doesn't seem related to "fixing" my situation. Yet as my heart finds deeper rest, I discover more emotional resources to meet life as it comes. With more emotional resources at my disposal, I find more physical reserve.

Here's to giving it a try, anyway!

Stage 3

On Saturday, I asked Pete where my cane was.

I've known for several months that I have Stage 3 lyme disease. In the months before Piper was conceived and throughout most of my pregnancy, I was symptom-free. I felt wonderful. My naturopath helped me balance out my hormones so my body could fight the lyme, and I had regained almost full functionality.

In the months following Piper's birth, however, my condition deteriorated. The lyme attacked my pituitary gland, and my already-crazy after-pregnancy hormones went berserk and threw me into postpartum depression. Because Piper was still too young to wean, I started some treatment that wouldn't negatively impact her, but it hasn't been enough to slow the downward spiral.

In the last few months, I've been experiencing the arthritic pain and stiffness that had me on Motrin every day a few years ago. Over the last several weeks, the convulsions and weakness have returned.

I feel trapped. I'm almost in shock over the fact that my improvement wasn't permanent. I knew that the bacteria simply burrow into the tissue of the cell wall when the disease is attacked, that I would probably always carry it. But having my functionality stripped from me again wasn't something I expected or planned for. My life was starting again. I could make goals and accomplish things. I was actually beginning to live some of my dreams.

Sure, I had to be careful. I needed to make sure I got enough rest. I needed to take my pills every day. I needed to eat well. I needed to keep my stress levels down. If any one of those factors was out of place, all the others would be affected.

With Piper nursing, I haven't slept more than 5 hours at a stretch for the last year and a half. With two moves, the impact of the depression and increasing symptoms, Pete's inevitable search for a new job once he passed the Bar, and Piper's constant demand, I have lost a lot of ground. Stress that would be easily handled if I was healthy is magnified until I have to internalize everything or self-destruct.

I can't treat the lyme more aggressively because of the inevitable Herxheimer reaction that will occur and our inability to provide for Piper's care. (Herxheimer reaction = the disease gets worse before it gets better because the bacteria emit a toxin when they are attacked) I can't risk a worsening of my psychological symptoms, and any further pain or neurological symptoms will leave me bedridden.

I write to keep myself sane, to feel as though I have some normalcy in my life as I've been walking this tightrope to keep myself functional enough to care for Piper.

Our plan of action is not a plan at this point. We either need a job for Pete that will pay enough for us to pay someone to care for Piper during the day while he is at work, or we need a job that is close enough to one of our families for us to have the support we need. California (where Pete is licensed) is so far, and offers us very little in the way of a support system.

So at the moment, I reach for my cane and my sanity and pray that God will provide... soon.